I can't let go
by PrincessAletheia
Summary: Emily has to say goodbye to the most important person in her life. Warning: Contains character death. My first story for CM.


_This isn't the first story I've written for Criminal Minds. But it's the first one I've ever published. And the first one I've written in English. Double premiere for me. _

_Just to remind you, this story contains a character death. _

_Please read and review. (Have fun wouldn't work)._

_Oh, and I didn't have a beta reader, so all mistakes are mine, and mine only._

_Disclaimer: No, I don't own Criminal Minds either._

"_It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." Rose Kennedy._

When life falls apart, it's the simple things you remember and hang onto, as the last piece of normality into it.

The sky had never been so blue.

That was the first thing she noticed, as she made her way over to the others. This incredible blue, that made everything else seem to fade. One look into the sky and her eyes were starting to burn.

The cool morning breeze softly stroked her face, the wind playing in her long hair, simply hanging over her shoulders. She raised a hand, her pale fingers tucking a strand behind her ears. Even now she could feel the heat that the wind would bring into town as the day went by.

The grass squeaked quietly under her feet, still wet of last nights rain. The water made it's way through the thin material of her shoes, but it went unnoticed by her, as she simply kept on making her way over to the others.

_Keep on walking, Emily,_ she reminded herself, _just step by step._ Keeping her composure seemed so hard.

She went on and stepped into the shadow of a tree, immediately freezing. If he was here right now, he would have been putting his jacket around her shoulders, or, much better, he would have pulled her into him, his body radiating more warmth than sun itself, but...

_Don't think about it, no, no, don't you dare think about it, think of something else. And keep on walking._ Blinking surprised, she had almost stopped, so lost in her thoughts._ Go, Emily, go, go._ But where?

The trees were silently moving in the wind, while sun was shining brighter than ever before. The sky was so shocking blue, hurting everyones eyes, she thought it was on fire.

As she took her place in the front row, she recognized a faint scent in the air. Summer was coming to D.C. But she would never be able again to think of it as something else than the scent of death. _I've always loved summer._

As the eulogy began, she felt someone taking her hand. Another hand was softly stroking her back. She didn't need to turn around to know who it was.

They all knew about the severity of her grief. Apparently. They all had lost someone before. She was so sure to know what feelings to expect. But why had nobody told her that there was a kind of grief, greater than the borders of the universe, the borders of existence, that there was a kind of grief, greater than it all. And she had thought Matthews death would tear her apart. She had no idea.

A bitter laugh built up in her throat, only to die before it could escape. She wasn't even capable of that kind of laughter anymore.

Anyway, she felt like nothing was possible anymore. How could there be a tomorrow if he was dead? How could that make sense?

The eulogy went on around her, but the words were like bubbles, bursting long before the wind could take them to her ear.

If someone hadn't shook her gently, Emily wouldn't ever have realized, that it was over. Over. As if it could ever be over. Through clouded eyes she looked into the shocked faces, all covered with tears, of the people around her. _I am not here, _she thought.

She felt like there were worlds standing between her and everyone else. And everything. Between her and him.

Him, oh him, his name now an inscription among many that were buried here. Yes, she had understood what had happened. But that didn't make it any easier.

Slowly she felt the other ones leave her side. Her friends. Family. She had loved them, but could there still be love, after this, after everything? Could there be a life afterwards?

Again, she lifted her eyes up to the sky. The endless blue. The burning sun. The grass shining in the most beautiful green. What an irony!

Emily couldn't tell if she was alone. How could she possibly have answered that question? She was here, on the graveyard. There had been other people too, yes. But even back then she had been alone. She had been all alone since one week. 6 days, 15 hours and 43 minutes, to be absolutely honest.

She couldn't remember when her feet had started moving again, only that she was now standing beside his casket. There were many things she couldn't remember. The last time she had eaten something. The last time she had looked into a mirror. The last time she had been able to look at the pictures of him without dying inside again and again. The last time she had laughed. How to laugh

There could never be a life after the other one. They had always agreed on that. And she hadn't felt alive, not since an ER doctor had stepped into the waiting room one week ago, slowly, sadly, shaking his head. Immediately, sobbing had filled the room around her.

She hadn't been able to cry one single tear. Tears, they seemed to be such a simple gesture. It didn't seem enough to her. What would it chance if she cried? She hated the world, but most of all, she hated herself. She had to keep on finding excuses, because she hated herself so much for the fact that she couldn't cry one single tear for the man she had loved so much more than her own life

Her fingers were stroking gently over the casket. There were so many things left she had wanted to tell him. Emily had loved him, and she had told him that, but did he really understand the true meaning behind her words? Did he really understand how much she had loved him? That she would have died without hesitating a second, so he could live? That she would have given, that she would have done absolutely everything for him? That she would have made the impossible possible, even would have flown up into the sky, bringing all the stars down to earth, if that would have been his wish?

_Of course he would've understood, Emily. He would've always understood. He had always understood. _

Words had never been very important to them. That was just one of the things she had loved so much. Whatever it was they had to tell each other, words never could express it as good as a look, a touch, a gesture.

But he couldn't see her. And she couldn't see him, at least not the way she wanted. Not that she wouldn't always see his picture in front of her eyes, forever burned into her mind, not that she didn't see him wherever she went, no matter if being awake or asleep. But it was different, it wasn't real, and words would now have to be a substitute for their unique way of communication, words, like everybody else used them, too. It felt so lame, so ordinary to her.

"Aaron", her voice was shaking, "how can you be dead? I thought we had a whole lifetime together. I thought, that when we were together, nothing could ever happen to us. Time was meaningless and everything was possible. I thought, we were immortal. It had always felt like that. But now you're here, in this dark, cold casket, and I don't know why you're not getting up .You, Aaron Hotchner, out of all people that I know, how can you be really dead? How? You've always been so strong, Aaron. Get up. I said, get up. Stop pretending playing dead. That's not true. It can never be true."

Though being so sure of it, she hadn't realized. She thought, she had understood, but she was worlds apart from it.

She was worlds apart from it, when her fists hit the hard wood of the casket.

She was worlds apart from it, when she kicked the gravestone.

And the tree.

And as she sank to her knees, not caring one bit about the stains that grass and earth would leave on her dress, as she screamed, sounds coming out of her mouth that weren't the least bit human anymore, sounds that she'd never thought herself capable of.

As she kept on screaming, so that everybody around her would hold its breath in shock, and the air seemed to be ice cold at where she was.

And as she went quiet after many hours, as there wasn't any power left for her helpless anger in the face of death, as her head sunk into her hands, as she was breathing, finally breathing again, so that it would hurt her throat, inhaling the scent of summer, grass, earth and wood in her nose... maybe then she had gotten one step closer to understanding.

Emily Prentiss stepped beside the casket again. One last time, before the love of her life would sink under the ground. There never seemed to be enough time on earth for all the things she would have wanted to say, she would have wanted to do.

In a last, gentle gesture, so carefully, as if it was meant to be an excuse for her anger,she lay her hands on the casket, the smooth, dark wood under her fingers. It still felt so horribly unreal.

"Aaron , I love you. More than I could ever say. More than there are words. But I hope, no, I know, you know how much I love you. Far beyond the borders of death. And I know that you love me just like that. Wherever you may be. You've told me so many times. With every look. Every touch. Every gesture. I still can't imagine ever having to live without you. Every day had seemed so lost since you are gone, and there are so much days left that I have to spent without you. From the first day on since I've met you, I couldn't imagine ever having to spend my life without you again. That hasn't changed. It's gonna be hard, so hard. I know, there will be times coming when I just want to give up, and only the promise that I've given you once, never to give up, because you need me, is going to keep me from doing so. There will be days, where I'm simply going to want to break that promise, because I just can't take it anymore. But I'm never going to do that. I could've never been disappointing you, Aaron. For you, for you I would've done anything. And I'm still going to do. You are my world. You are my life. Yesterday, today, tomorrow. Forever. And my love to you doesn't distinguish between you breathing or not. It is immortal. We are immortal, Aaron. And I'll be yours, forever yours. I love you."

Emily stepped back, her arms crossing in front of her chest. _Oh, Aaron, if only we would have known how little time we had left. If only we could have done anything to prevent that... I wish you would be here with me. I want to scream, cry, curse, die. Live. For you, for Jack. I'm going to live. Because you would have wanted me to._

It took her some time to realize someone was standing next to her again. Then, a small, warm hand took hers and cuddled it under his chin. "Emily", whispered Jack, now pressing light kisses to her fingertips. She looked at him, he looked so much like his father, his eyes, just as serious as Aaron's, and she saw him, him, and only him, like she hadn't seen any of the others. While looking at Jack, her eyes weren't clouded any more and it was in this very moment that she finally realized that she was here, that she was still alive. She bent down quickly, pulling Jack into her arms. The little boy seemed to feel completely secure into her embrace, wrapping his arms around her neck and pressing his face into her shoulder. Emily was holding him tight, so tight, more than ever before and Jack didn't make a sound, as if he knew that she needed to have him close so she wouldn't lose the ground under her feet again.

And it was then that Emily realized, that Aaron lived on, in Jack, and in doing so, a part of him would always be with her. He would never truly leave her.

They were holding each other and she couldn't tell for how long. And then, finally, the tears came.

"_There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love." Washington Irving_

_Oh God, I can't believe I did this to Hotch. I feel like I owe him some big excuse._

_Please review and tell me what you think. I'd really appreciate hearing your opinion._

_And thank you very much for reading. _


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